This is a series in which I will dissect my rapists many "defenses". After much scrutiny, my rapist finally told his side of the story. He wrote two public blog posts. The first conveniently titled "When Regret Becomes Rape" and the second, an open letter directed toward me.
I will interject in bold.
Crossposted from www.theriverofjordan.com
I like the name of your blog... it shows the reader that you think of yourself as biblical. It kind of gives the reader of my blog a clear picture of the time during our acquaintance.
When Regret Becomes Rape
Update ~ I have followed up this article with a new one, in which I describe my experience and side of the story. You can find this here.
In response to the articles accusing me of having committed any act of sexual assault towards my girlfriend (at the time); in regards to the question “did I rape her?”, the answer is absolutely not.
Whenever someone comes across an article they read about you being abusive and a sexual predator or a blog that I published regarding the rape and sexual assault, you link them to the two blogs that you wrote in defense of your actions. I was not your girlfriend, I didn't want you. I was your object.
My partner and I were together for approximately 2 months before talk of intimacy came up. We talked openly about sex and sexuality in both an interpersonal and private way, as well as from a spiritual and energetic perspective.
You are telling this wrong. See, in the beginning of our travels you showed an interest in me. It was an interest that I didn't share. I told you I Wanted to be friends. Remember? I had only ever been with women... with no intention of ever being with a man... especially not you. We did NOT talk about sex openly. You did. You were obsessed with Egyptian sex rituals (real Aleister Crowley type shit- but I know you were enamored with his work) and I turned down every advance that you threw at me. And for those of you who don't know Aleister for more than his Tarot deck or being an icon in the Esoteric world- look him up. He was into some pretty freaky shit, and that is an understatement.
I had asked if she wanted to have sex, and although she expressed hesitation at first, as our conversations progressed she did say “yes”. It was only then that we then proceeded. Our act of making love was just that; consensual and in the mindset of bringing our energies into sexual union. After this initial encounter, we were engaged in a healthy sexual relationship for many months.
This "act" that you speak of wasn't consensual. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't romantic. It was the worst day of my life that created endless anxiety attacks, suicide attempts and hospitalizations. Expressing hesitation is a nice way to put it. Do you remember how I was curled up in a ball? How you said you could heal me? How you were aroused at the sight of me helpless? How I said "no", how you persisted? How I was crying? How you got off on it?
After nearly a year, our relationship began to deteriorate. I decided it was time to end our connection while there was still some friendship.
Yes, 9 months after you raped me, I proudly told you I was done. I ENDED "it", I put a stop to the abuse that you inflicted on me. I told you that I didn't want to see you ever again. And what did you do? As we know, you texted me, told me that you loved me and that you were getting on a plane and landing in Salt Lake. Remember? I have that text.... lemme see if I can find it here. Hold up.
Yes, there it is. Yeah, sorry to his audience... I was the one who ended "it". He ignored the fact that I told him not to come out here, to Utah. He did fly out to Utah. I did pickhim up from the airport. I pulled over to the side of road and told him to get out. He bought a $600 ticket to see the girl he obsessed over, raped and controlled. Expecting me to see him and let him do it all again. And you tried. I was so mad at you. I didn't know what to do- no one has ever silenced me continually before. Remember Jordan? In my childhood bedroom? The Rose Quartz crystal that you molested me with? Rose Quartz... because you thought it would "open my heart" make me love you? How I pushed you off of me? How I ran to the downstairs bathroom? I remember it all. Humiliating. Disgusting. And then the final straw. You were aroused and told me to "take your seed"? How many times do I need to make this clear? You told me that your cum would bring me to your level... as if you were a God. As if you were more evolved than others. You told me that if I were to suck your dick and swallow, that you could bring me to deeper understanding. Would clear my depression... and essentially would allow you to control me yet again. THAT was how it ended. I refused and told you to leave.
Never saw you again after that.
I will officially state that at no point during our relationship did she express that she felt as though our sex life was comparable to rape. Had she ever expressed any level of discomfort, I would have immediately stopped all physical contact. All of these claims came out years after our relationship ended, which causes me to speculate that the way I ended our relationship fuelled the resentment she is harbouring towards me.
Except this is not what happened, unfortunately for you. I know you'd love to believe that. And it sure sounds nice for your online audience doesn't it? This world of spirituality that you built for them? What would they do if they realized their idol didn't walk the talk? What if they realized- he was a lot more sinister than they could ever imagine? I said "no", I was crying. I hated you. I did what I had to do to survive. The claims DID NOT come out years after our acquaintance ended... I can tell you exactly when we had the conversation. It was August of 2013. Via phone and Facebook. I still have the Facebook messages. I confronted you again in September of 2013. But this will all come out in time. Nice try though.
Taking the responsibility of creating these experiences opens the door to learning, growing, and healing from all this pain.
Taking the responsibility of creating these experiences opens the door to learning, growing and ... actual, real and true healing. Yes. I agree. But are you going to be honest? Have you taken responsibility? Do you have a conscience? I've never been sure.
And so I pray we learn and we grow; I want to open a space of reconciliation and forgiveness so that we may take the actions that are in our highest alignment, and reverse the effects of what we’ve said or done when we were hurt, afraid, or experiencing regret.
I would love to find a space where I am free of carrying this burden that you imposed on me, and I have worked very hard on this. I do not regret anything. You did this. Not me. I was so angry for myself for so long. For being the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen. For ever even traveling with you. For becoming the object of your obsession. But I am not angry anymore. Not at myself.
I can only hope that others find learning in my experience, as I continue to learn as well.
I do hope that you learn from this. I hope you can one day be honest, by yourself and for yourself. I hope that other women find it in themselves to fight for themselves. And I also hope that no one will have to face a nightmare like this.
I would like to thank everyone who continually supports me, who have not jumped to conclusions, nor made rash accusations, and weigh each matter against the feather of truth.
These are not rash accusations. Remember, there really aren't any more lies you can tell at this point, this is your word against your own word. There aren't two sides to every story, there is only the fact of what happened.
With all of my love,
Jordan David Duchnycz
I never wanted wanted your "love". All I hope for now is for the truth to be heard. The truth is a cannibal unless you can come to accept it- and I have. The only question is- can you? Tori