Excerpt from pretext call between victim and perpetrator.
My name is Tori. I was 21 when I was victim to rape and sexual assault.
This photo sums that year up well. It speaks to the death I felt. I felt dead. A skin-covered ghost. I felt owned after I was raped. I lost control of myself, he took that from me. No voice. Nothing left. Just emptiness and muffled rage turned to a serious state of depersonalization.
To the Attorney Generals office who debated my case for over a week and a half- who failed to take on my case despite the overwhelming evidence…to the men and women who read this blog and find that what happened was probably just regret…
Let me put it this way: Would you keep trying to get someone to have sex with you after she sets a clear boundary, who clearly states she doesn’t want you? Would you fuck a girl who says no countless times? Would you undress her yourself destpite her saying no when she is frozen in fear? Would you fuck her after she is worn down in anxiety and fear, reluctantly saying okay through tears? Would you fuck a girl who had said no countless times and then was crying in panic the entire time? Would you use the words “lust, power and greed” as a reason for doing what you did, while in the same conversation moments before say it was out of love and lust for the most ‘beautiful girl you’d ever seen’?
Morally, would you feel OK with that? Would you be able to get off on that? Would it feel good for you to overpower someone in that way?
Did you answer no? The idea of forcing someone to have sex with you against their will would presumably make you sick, most likely it is inconceivable. Congratulations, that is a normal response. It isn’t normal to be able to follow through with something like that. To disregard every sign that somebody is uncomfortable and afraid- to force sex. And if you answered yes, you better check yourself. Because what I just described is rape.
I am coming out for the first time publicly with my name and face attached as the victim of this act. This act that should be considered criminal within the eyes of the Law. I was so ashamed for so long.
The weight has been unbearable. Deadly almost. But maybe the hardest part is over. After all, some secrets are painful. Some types of silence can kill you.
The events that took place in 2012 took everything from me for a long time. Sometimes it takes a while for the victim to really become the survivor.
It took me a long time to be able to look through old pictures with out falling into some type of mind bending trip sending me into suicidal ideation. The hollowness in my eyes. The exhaustion of a smile that normally comes easily and naturally. The confusion in my head. I remember that feeling in my bones. He thought I was beautiful… so after I left, I did everything I could to change myself entirely. I didn’t want to be the person he came to obsess over anymore. I still feel like he owns that person sometimes. Part of me feels like I will never be able to own that person. It’s a rough road coming back. But I feel like I finally have my spark back.
My rapist had these ‘New Age’ teachings and catch phrases that the rest of the world might find nice and quaint, but I see as down right dangerous. For the record, I do not believe that he actually believes this bullshit. He found something that ‘works’. He manipulates people, and it is ALL he knows how to do. He stumbled on this type of belief system that literally TEACHES sociopathic ‘principles’ and dissociation to the suggestible, vulnerable or open-minded. This believe system is PERFECT for Narcissists because they can control those that are searching for answers, with out the victims actually realizing what is going on. If a victim DOES see what is going on and tries to stop it, this mindset always offers a way to ‘justify’ both what the perpetrator did, and a reason as to why it was ‘your fault’. I think its something this perpetrator had to force himself to ‘believe’, if you will, in order to justify the lack of conscience or emotion.
Coercive Persuasion (much like hypnotism, only with more force) is a tool that con-artists will use against everyone and anyone. To these types of people every relationship, every move is simply a transaction to gain control and get what they want from others. From the space of an “authority figure” this is a dangerous tool that can rip apart the minds, bodies and souls of the victim and it can be seen running RAMPANT in the ‘New Age’ and ‘Spiritual communities’. The following are but a few cheap phrases that my rapist has built his empire of millions of followers on top of and what this REALLY mean to one of his rape victims.
Anything? ANYTHING? You can’t HAVE someone that doesn’t want you! Having been Raped and Sexually abused by this person, I find it sickening that other people out there use this phrase. I didn’t want you. But you felt entitled to me regardless of what I wanted. I said “NO” loud and clear but that wasn’t good enough. You were obsessed with me and you were going to do anything it took to have me. You stole me, and you won’t walk away from this so easily. I became lost when you said that I create my own reality… I became godless when you told me you were god and then you raped me.
A perfect phrase for a Rapist. I told him “NO” over and over again. He kept getting more and more persistent. He kept advancing despite my obvious protest. They call it Tonic Immobility when you freeze during this type of flight or fight scenario. My rapist wouldn’t take no for an answer. He was going to do whatever it took. I did everything I could until I couldn’t fight it off anymore. I RESISTED, I fought, I said “NO”, I was crying and yet he wouldn’t fucking stop. I HATE this phrase. There is NOTHING true about it. If you feel the need to resist something- that feeling is THERE for a REASON and please don’t allow ANYONE to take your internal compass away from you. These “teachers” just attempt to lead people into a mindset where they are completely SUGGESTIBLE.
This phrase is disturbing because it can warp the perception of what love is for the Victim. When I was recording our final confrontation (unbeknownst to you), you told me “Everything I did, I did out of Love” and to this day, this phrase is slimy and degrading as it ever was. I DIDN’T WANT YOU. I hated you. You are despicable. You are the most deranged person I have ever met in my life. What you did to me was not love. It was greedy and spineless. RAPE IS NOT LOVE you ugly son of a bitch. “Love is all there is?” Tell me that again once the world knows what you are.
And to my rapist:
Not that you care, dick- but I was sure of myself and confident from a young age. I was sure of myself when I was 21 and decided to travel with 3 people that I had never met. I loved meeting new people and I wanted adventure. I was sure of myself when I told you that I wanted to be friends when you wanted something more. I was sure of myself when I didn’t want to be touched. I was sure of myself I said no when you tried to get my into the shower with you. AND i was fucking confident in the fact I never wanted to have sex with you…that I never wanted you inside of me. You ripped me apart. And yet there you are trying to “save the world” when time fucking STOPPED for me. My life nearly ended. If you are so keen on “heaven on earth” “honesty” “truth” “connection” “love” “living in light”, “ascending” and “higher vibrations”- I would take a burning fiery Hell any day. I might appear like the goddamned Devil to some of your followers. I’m a black hole and I don’t care. Because I know the truth. You are a liar. Your empire of delusion. Your fake tears, your pitiful gimmick of “youth” and “innocence”, your god-complex… You are a living lie and you will NEVER silence me again. Is this too “dense” for you? The truth? Get a fucking backbone, bitch. This is what reality feels like.
Sue me, I waited to tell anyone about my sexual assault for years- waited even longer to report it. I really shouldn’t have to explain this, so let me make this quick.
Trigger warning: this article contains details of sexual assault.
“You are fucked up, you need to go get help you’re gonna scream rape with someone that you lived with for a year five years after? I’m not buying it, you need to take responsibility for your own actions. Do not message me again until you go get help. You need to leave everyone alone go deal with your own shit if you thought he raped you you should have had him arrested the day it happened, you don’t come back five years later talking shit.” -from a real charmer. Ouch.
Thanks for inspiring this entry though.
The above quote was thrown at me this morning. This is what survivors face when they speak out, especially when breaking it to people that knows survivor and perpetrator. Nice right? I mean, sure if you’re friends with the guy, or you are a colleague of his- this is a MAJOR conflict of interest. Probably hard to hear. Hell, imagine how it’s been for me all this time. With that said:
There are so many reasons why a victim of sexual assault might not ever speak out. Equally, there are many reasons as to why a victim of sexual assault might wait days, months or even years to report a sexual assault. Victims face being demonized by people who support the perpetrator. Victims might face loosing relationships if they knew and had mutual friends with the perpetrator. Victims face having their sanity called into question. If the perpetrator has a large fan base, this can be particularly intimidating. Rapists rarely even receive the punishment that they deserve. I shouldn’t have to explain this.
It took me 4 1/2 years to report. My perpetrator has a fan base of thousands around the world. I traveled with this person for almost 9 months with a couple other people. Starting in February. None of us knew each other well. All of us thought it would be an adventure. I was raped with in one month of meeting this guy in person. I don’t need to make excuses. I never told the others what happened. I never told anyone we met on the road. I was numb after it happened but no one knew why. Whats worse is that he continued having sex with me. I already told him “no” the first time. He obviously wasn’t the person I had agreed to go traveling with. What would happen if I didn’t comply further? I shouldn’t have to explain this.
In the beginning- the first day that I met him in person- I was very particular to tell him that I just wanted to be friends, I did not want to be in a relationship. I turned down every single advance he threw at me. I was confident and sure of myself. He caught me off guard when he refused to take “no” for an answer that particular March day. I wasn’t the same after that. Everything was blurry. It was like I was hypnotized by his violation and manipulation. I resented him. I hated him. I wanted to hurt him but I took it out on myself silently instead. He told everyone we were in a relationship and I just stayed fucking silent. I hated him. I hated him. He became more and more controlling of me over the coarse of our travels. He started thinking he was a reincarnation of Jesus, that he was god.
By December I got away. I went home. I told him that I wasn’t going to do this anymore. He sent me a text message a couple of weeks later saying he loved me and that he was going to be boarding a plane to come and see me the next morning. First of all, who does that? Drop in unannounced to see someone that is trying to stay as far from you as possible, by plane no less? I told him not to waste his money, not to come. There was no way in hell I’d want to see him ever again. The next day, he asked me to pick him up at the airport. He actually flew out here against my demand not to, and expected me to pick him up. So, I asked a friend to come with me, I met him at the terminal and drove to a random neighborhood downtown. I told him to get out. I left him on the side of the fucking road. He ended up staying with a mutual friend who was a business partner of his. He still managed to manipulate his way into staying with me and he attempted to sexually assault me further. He told me to “take his seed” (unbelievable, right?) because it would help me to see things more clearly (Yes, he wanted me to suck his dick and swallow to help me gain enlightenment). I told him to leave. I never saw him after that. And that “phrase” is one that still makes me wretch to this day- it is burned into the back of my eyeballs and crawls around through my ears and inside my brain like fucking maggots. I could scream.
So yeah, between the thousands of followers (some REALLY intense), all of his manic ideas, I wasn’t about to tell anyone. I was paranoid that he was more powerful than what he’d already proved. I was paranoid he’d come out to my state again and do something even worse. He already proved that he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer first with being in a relationship with me, then with sex and finally by “coming to visit” and flying across states just to see me, when I made it clear I didn’t want to see him. So yeah, I think I had a right to stay quiet until I felt strong enough to speak out, and again, I shouldn’t have to explain this.
Last year he came back to my state in the middle of February expecting to see me. He texted me on Valentines day telling me I was “loved”, asking if he could call me. I ignored it. But physically I was sick. I knew that he knew where my dad lived, so I called my dad and warned him that this person might show up to try and find me. I was disgusted, angry and paranoid.
Worse yet, I began hearing rumors over the years that there were other women he’d sexually assaulted that year. That was my worst fear. So yes, I finally spoke up. It’s easier to speak up knowing that someone else has. It makes you feel seen. Makes you feel heard. I want to gain closure by hearing what he did to them and knowing that I did something so that he might never be able to do something to someone else against their will ever again. So, no- I am not “choosing to escalate an incident that happened 5 years ago”. I just finally am not afraid to speak out anymore. I shouldn’t have to explain this.
I still haven’t told my close family and friends. And yet 70 of my friends and family members on Facebook follow his work. Some occasionally share his work. From celebrities, my favorite musicians, right down to my own friends and my aunt. Seeing that on my timeline never ceases to send me into some type of shock. It’s an exhausting, involved and disgusting story to tell, and it takes every ounce of me to hold it in just like it takes every ounce of me to share it.
I felt voiceless against him for a long time. To those of you that knew me back then, that know and support him- sue me for taking my time to speak up. When you have an actual conscience, and you aren’t a sociopath, it can be incredibly stressful to know that you could potentially ruin someones life by reporting what they did to you. This vile dark secret that perpetrator and victim both share- that they imposed on you. I didn’t ask for this. It can be taxing when you were both violated by this person and then that you hold this dirtiest secret- he is a sex offender. It is confusing. It can be incredibly hard to tell people what happened. Hell, I was even worried that people knowing this little secret of his might drive him to suicide and that it would be my fault; yet his actions drove me to self injury, PTSD, suicidal idealization, boozing, recklessness, late night emergency room stays and therapy- he didn’t think about how it would turn my life inside out, he just wanted to get off. When I mentioned this worry to the Detective, he kindly reminded me that nothing like that should hold me back- after all, it wasn’t my fault he raped me. Shouldn’t have to explain this.
The shame of what happened takes a while to become empowerment. And empowerment itself is shaky. On top of that, the justice system is knowingly intimidating. So don’t judge a victim for stepping up to the plate on their own time. You have no idea what they’ve been through. One more time for the people in the back- I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS. There is no excuse. I did nothing wrong and I am confident in that.
So if this is a conflict of interest to you whether you are a friend of his, possibly a colleague or maybe you ARE him (sup, fucker)… I have 3 words for you: DON’T RAPE PEOPLE. It will make everyone’s lives easier. Maybe you won’t tear everyone’s lives apart that way. When will the perpetrator have to explain himself? When?
Trigger Warning: contains details of sexual assault.
He wouldn’t take no for an answer… I was raped in 2012. I was 21.
So many people told me not to go to the police and to handle this another way. I didn’t want the attention that comes from a case like this. But something kept telling me to do more. That what happened to me was bigger than me. I was just getting angry and more and more bitter by not doing anything about what happened. I tried everything I could to stop thinking about it. I cut off everyone that knew him. I didn’t talk to anyone about it.