So, who am I?

#4

My name is Tori. I was 21 when I was victim to rape and sexual assault.

This photo sums that year up well. It speaks to the death I felt. I felt dead. A skin-covered ghost. I felt owned after I was raped. I lost control of myself, he took that from me. No voice. Nothing left. Just emptiness and muffled rage turned to a serious state of depersonalization.

To the Attorney Generals office who debated my case for over a week and a half- who failed to take on my case despite the overwhelming evidence…to the men and women who read this blog and find that what happened was probably just regret…

Let me put it this way: Would you keep trying to get someone to have sex with you after she sets a clear boundary, who clearly states she doesn’t want you? Would you fuck a girl who says no countless times?  Would you undress her yourself destpite her saying no when she is frozen in fear? Would you fuck her after she is worn down in anxiety and fear, reluctantly saying okay through tears?  Would you fuck a girl who had said no countless times and then was crying in panic the entire time? Would you use the words “lust, power and greed” as a reason for doing what you did, while in the same conversation moments before say it was out of love and lust for the most ‘beautiful girl you’d ever seen’?

Morally, would you feel OK with that? Would you be able to get off on that? Would it feel good for you to overpower someone in that way?

Did you answer no? The idea of forcing someone to have sex with you against their will would presumably make you sick, most likely it is inconceivable. Congratulations, that is a normal response. It isn’t normal to be able to follow through with something like that. To disregard every sign that somebody is uncomfortable and afraid- to force sex. And if you answered yes, you better check yourself. Because what I just described is rape.

I am coming out for the first time publicly with my name and face attached as the victim of this act. This act that should be considered criminal within the eyes of the Law. I was so ashamed for so long.

The weight has been unbearable. Deadly almost. But maybe the hardest part is over. After all, some secrets are painful. Some types of silence can kill you.

The events that took place in 2012 took everything from me for a long time. Sometimes it takes a while for the victim to really become the survivor.

It took me a long time to be able to look through old pictures with out falling into some type of mind bending trip sending me into suicidal ideation. The hollowness in my eyes. The exhaustion of a smile that normally comes easily and naturally. The confusion in my head. I remember that feeling in my bones. He thought I was beautiful… so after I left, I did everything I could to change myself entirely. I didn’t want to be the person he came to obsess over anymore. I still feel like he owns that person sometimes. Part of me feels like I will never be able to own that person. It’s a rough road coming back. But I feel like I finally have my spark back.

Thanks to other survivors who have been so strong as to come forward, I’m starting to feel like I can too. It’s important for me to take my voice back. I’m not the person he thought I was.

Im 27 now and I’m finally feeling like I can fight back a little harder, like I can take on the world again like I did before all of this. Bravery begets bravery. I am not weak.