READ ME: I was Raped

#1

Trigger Warning: contains details of sexual assault.

He wouldn’t take no for an answer… I was raped in 2012. I was 21.

So many people told me not to go to the police and to handle this another way. I didn’t want the attention that comes from a case like this. But something kept telling me to do more. That what happened to me was bigger than me. I was just getting angry and more and more bitter by not doing anything about what happened. I tried everything I could to stop thinking about it. I cut off everyone that knew him. I didn’t talk to anyone about it.

 In July of 2016, after 4 ½ years of struggling with what to do, I contacted the Police Department in the City that this took place.
7 months after the last time I saw him, I contacted my rapist via Facebook messages about the incidents that took place. He said a lot in these messages- this would later become my first substantial piece of evidence.
My case had enough evidence to be assigned to an Advocate and a Detective. These two became two of the most important people in my life. I was interviewed for almost 9 hours about that year. The Detective told me that in order to get this case prosecuted, I would have to slowly work towards contacting my perpetrator. I would have to confront him again about the incident.
 I did. I was scared and it made me feel like I was losing myself a lot of the time- but I wanted to take this case as far as I possibly could. I wanted to be heard, and in case there were other victims I wanted to speak out.
 The Detective and I planned carefully. I sent the Detective every single correspondence as soon as it was over for the day. I started off by saying that I wanted to work out the past and put it behind me. I messaged him for 2 months before I made the pretext calls. The plan worked.
 He admitted to everything last thing- every single detail. I walked him through that day and what happened. He admitted to everything. I said no to his advances from the start. I was traveling with him and told him I wanted to just be friends. I said no to everything, and that particular day; 1 month into our travels. I was exhausted and depressed. I wanted to be alone, so I shut myself in this room. He came in and got on the bed. He said he wanted to “heal” me. I didn’t believe in that new age bullshit. He told me that sex heals. He asked me if I would have sex with him.
I said “no”. I didn’t want him to touch me. I wanted to be alone. Anyone in their right mind would see that I was clearly closed off and not wanting to be around anyone- let alone have sex with a person I didn’t know very well.
 He wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. He kept asking. Over and over again. I was afraid. My anxiety and fear wouldn’t let me move. I was frozen. I was becoming more and more confused every time he asked, or every time he made an advance that I clearly didn’t want. He turned me to face him. He uncrossed my arms from my chest. He asked me again and again. I said no each time. He removed my clothes, and his and he asked again. I said no. But he kept asking. Finally, after what seemed like hours of this… I was crying, I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t cooperate and I said “okay.” After all, I didn’t know him very well and he was being very very persistent. I didn’t want to consent. I said “no” so many times.  I gave up fighting with him to stop. He wasn’t going to stop. He knew what he wanted and he was going to get it whether I liked it or not. I was crying the entire time. I was lifeless. He didn’t stop. He didn’t care. He finished.
During these calls, I asked him why he did it. Why he kept asking, why he didn’t stop when he knew I was crying, why did he have sex with me despite me saying “no” over and over again? He responded with 3 words that I will never forget- “Power… Lust…Greed…”
After the conversation led to my final questions “how do you think this made me feel?” He responded “Traumatized.” After asking “why do you think I felt traumatized?” He responded, verbatim, “you were raped.”
  He admitted to all of this between 2 recordings. On top of all of this overwhelming evidence, his stories between the two phone calls were very inconsistent. We were absolutely certain at this point that we had a winning case against him. Everyone agreed that it sounded like a complete confession. His confession couldn’t be any more clear. The detective wrote up the warrants that weekend and was ready to book the flight as soon as I figured out exactly where he would be and once the Grand Jury made a decision.  The DA would have an answer that week.
My case wouldn’t be prosecuted because I said “okay” in the end- because ‘no’ was not the answer he was looking for… because “No” was not the right answer? One word. One quiet tear-filled, whispered word.   I was overwhelmed… I AM overwhelmed.  All of us are so frustrated by this verdict. Oregon State laws surrounding consent still work to protect the rapist and not the victim. So, despite such clear evidence- by law nothing could be done. I slept in the ER the night that I was told the case wasn’t going to a Grand Jury.
So now, I continue to fight. I told the Detective I wasn’t giving up. The investigation might be over, but I still have every piece of evidence. I want to work to get a Law passed stating that Coercion is in fact a form of rape in the State of Oregon. Coerced sex should be seen as Rape everywhere as far as I am concerned. We are outraged, but we are absolutely not giving up.
Eventually, I would like for my case to be looked at again by the District Attorneys office and have this case officially sent to a Grand Jury. I still hope for him to be prosecuted and charged.
I said that I wanted to take this case as far as it will go, and I meant it. I never thought of myself as an activist. I never liked to over think things. But this is something that I have to do now. I want to be an advocate for all survivors of sexual assault. ‘No’ means ‘No’- the first time.
This is the first of many posts to come. I refuse to stay quiet any longer.
 I hope this reaches someone who needs it- Please contact Oregon State Representatives.
 I encourage you to share this blogpost across your social media pages.
I am going to need all the help that I can get in getting this case to move forward.
 Make noise, make change.
More to come.
 I encourage you to email me with your resources, stories, questions or support. Your support is greatly appreciated, so please reach out.  😘
Please email me at: emailthegohst@gmail.com
#endrapeculture #stoptrivializingrape
#noexcuses #nomeansno #womenforwomen

59 thoughts on “READ ME: I was Raped

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. People like you are the true heroes that matter. You are so very far from alone sister, you have all the worlds girlpower behind you! 💞

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  2. Girl, you are so so strong.
    I know that we don’t know each other. But I was raped too. My story is up on my blog. There are many struggles with the aftermath of being raped. I wasn’t able to report my rape. And it eats me alive every single day. Mine happened about a year ago. I think i’ll be traumatized for life. I just wanted to let you know how strong I think you are for coming forth. Sending much love ❤

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  3. I came to your blog post after a friend shared an article about Teal and victim blaming on her Facebook page. Thank you for fighting for other women and for sharing your story. SO much of this happens in ‘spiritual’ communities under the guise of healing. I’m so sorry this happened to you and can totally understand saying yes after saying no so many times. You are brave and strong and you are making a difference.

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  4. Um hello. You emailed me and I have been thinking about the whole situation again and I guess it lead me to some realizations. I overthink a lot so forgive me but I will email you, since I’ll be mentioning names and stuff and it’s rather long winded.

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